I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
- Fred Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
- Fred Allen
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
- Dave Barry
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- George Burns
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- George Carlin
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
- Bill Cosby
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
- W. C. Fields
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W. C. Fields
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
- Samuel Goldwyn
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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
- Bob Hope
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You're only has good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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I rant, therefore I am.
- Dennis Miller
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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
- Spike Milligan
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner
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There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
- Casey Stengel
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
- Lily Tomlin
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- Lily Tomlin
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You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Oprah Winfrey
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright
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I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
- Edward Albee
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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
- Francis Bacon
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A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.
- Henry Ward Beecher
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck
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Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
- Victor Borge
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Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- Mel Brooks
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Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
- Sid Caesar
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Humor is an affirmation of man's dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
- Romain Cary
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I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
- Frank A. Clark
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Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.
- Irvin S. Cobb
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
- Bill Cosby
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The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.
- William Davis
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Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.
- Max Eastman
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A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.
- Clifton Paul Fadiman
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Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders.
- Oscar W. Firkins
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Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
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If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
- Mohandas Gandhi
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One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- Larry Gelbart
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There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.
- Thomas W. Higginson
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When a thought takes one's breath away, a grammar lesson seems an impertinence.
- Thomas W. Higginson
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Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear.
- Thomas W. Higginson
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Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges.
- Thomas W. Higginson
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Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
- William James
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If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.
- Jennifer Jones
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Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
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A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
- Mignon McLaughlin
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Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.
- Christopher Morley
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Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope
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Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
- Agnes Repplier
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Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
- Agnes Repplier
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The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.
- Jacob August Riis
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Humor is, I think, the subtlest and chanciest of literary forms. It is surely not accidental that there are a thousand novelists, essayists, poets or journalists for each humorist. It is a long, long time between James Thurbers.
- Leo Rosten
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Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.
- Leo Rosten
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A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.
- Hugh Sidey
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- Mark Twain
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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
- Mark Twain
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Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
- Mark Twain
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov
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The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
- Peter De Vries
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A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
- William A. Ward
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A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
- Jessamyn West
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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
- E. B. White
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This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.
- Lin Yutang
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